What do you think of my short [500 words] story???

DEPARTED








Winter’s sister had departed without saying goodbye. Iris’s grave was old, though a bouquet of roses still brought the sweet scent. From the dim candlelight, it looked antique, although Iris just departed a month ago. It was too overwhelming; knowing her sister never reached her dreams. Instead, she died in her worst nightmare, murder.





The glowering thunder darkened her view. Everything was normal, but she knew something was about to happen. She hoped it was anything but emptiness, but death. Now that everything’s back to normal again, nothing new was supposed to happen, even though she felt it coming. It should be the same, old way, like before. Now that the stormy weather had let her day down, nothing else bad was supposed to happen.





Winter shakily stood up. Her time was wasted enough to wander in reality. She blew off the candle, and the shadows were gone. It was midnight, the full moon was watching over her. She knew her late father was with the stars, The Creator, the Saints and the angels, guarding her. Iris was probably watching with them as well. Maybe the Maker forgave and forgot her immoral attitude. It was just too late. She felt cold and numb. Iris meant nothing to her anymore. She was gone.





Winter treaded, recalling every happy moment of her life, though there was none. Feeling inhuman, she didn’t cry. The misty, bitter rain fell down, as Winter walked past the local boneyard, a few miles away from the Memorial Park, where Iris’s grave lingered still and drenched. It was too late to visit his dad in the Local Cemetery. Her mother would be worried.





Years before, she used to pass through lament and sorrow—the cemetery. It gave her nightmares and bad memories. She didn’t want another funeral, to shed another tear, or even to remember funerals and tears. Death shouldn’t pass through her family too early this time. At least, it wasn’t supposed to.





She saw the tall, handsome mansion gaze at her. It looked superior, though vines have encircled the cracked walls. After years spent aiding hardship countries, she was finally going home.





Winter paced quickly to the door and knocked hastily. She knew her mother would be proud, and tears will run from her cheeks finally seeing her only one left alive. Surprisingly, a stranger opened the door for her and ushered her to the living room. Everyone was wearing black, facing Winter’s worst nightmare.





Her mother had eyes closed, lying against a tight black coffin. It was adorned with red roses, carefully set above the glass that separated her from her mother. The big bouquets of flowers seemed wilted, old and the colour had faded away, revealing that her mother had died for a couple of days before. She wailed, as tears flowed from her eyes. All of her emotions had drained into a black hole, leaving her confused with what to feel.





Her mother departed without saying goodbye.














*****





please answer this especially for people who know everything about writing, how to make it better, and are good at it!!!!





PLEASE!! IT'S MY URGENT SCHOOL PROJECT!!!!

What do you think of my short [500 words] story???
well its melancholic and easily fits the title "departed". Except your idea seems a bit fragmented in some stages.. yes the imagery in the opening few lines is good but you give away too much. keep it a mystery by using strong elongated metaphors to make the "death" a mere subtlety rather than having this grave sad and melancholic tone imediately established.


the name winter i commend you it applies greatly with the feel and raw emotion to the story, try flashbacks, use of colour and motifs to give more depth and meaning breaking the one tone of melacncholy through the story... try and keep with one tense and elaborating on that idea..


try interpreting the death differently i didnt expect the mother's death in the end.. however, use previous "departed" charachters in a lighter sense to make the loss of the mother feel much more greater..





hope that helps! Good luck
Reply:I like it. The end is better than the beginning, because in the beginning you were trying to hard to use big descriptive words and it didn't flow as much. I think it is really great though. Very well written. Something I didnt get though was "too late to visit his dad in the Local Cemetery. Her mother would" ..... shouldn't it be "her dad"? Anyways.... GREAT JOB
Reply:Did you really write all that?





Well,I don't know much about writing,but I actually read it all.Your words are carefully chosen,and flow freely...I'm quite impressed-well done! I hope you get good marks for it.
Reply:Winter’s sister had departed without saying goodbye. A sweet scent of roses still lingered over her grave. Although only a month old the head stone seemed antique in the dim candel's cast of light.





It was too overwhelming; knowing her sister had never reached her dreams. Instead, Iris had died in her worst nightmare, murder.





The growing thunder clouds blocked the half moon and darkened her view. Everything was as normal as it could be in a gravery, but she knew something was about to happen. Winter hoped her feelings were nothing but the emptiness. Nothing but the new death.





Now that everything was reasonabily back to normal again, nothing new was supposed to happen. Even though she felt something was coming.





It should be the same old way. Like before. Now that the stormy weather had let her day down, nothing else bad was supposed to happen.





Winter shakily stood up thinking she had wasted enough time wandering about in this reality. She blew out the candle, and the shadows were gone. It was midnight, the moon was speracticalicy watching over her.





She looked up to see a few stars and thought, for a moment, about her late father. He was with the stars, The Creator, the Saints and the angels, guarding her. Iris was probably watching with him as well.





Maybe the Maker forgave and forgot her immoral attitude. It was just too late. She felt cold and numb. Iris meant nothing to her anymore. She was gone.





Winter tryed recalling every happy moment of her life, though there was none. Feeling inhuman, she didn’t cry. A misty, bitter rain began to fall as she walked out of the bone orchard called Memorial Park. Iris was there. Laying there. Still. With her head stone dark and drenched.





A few miles away in the county cemetery, the cheap seats, her dad lay. It was too late to visit him. Her mother would be worried.





Years before, she used to pass through his cemetery and lamentt. She wanted to feel sorrow. The only result was nightmares and bad memories. She didn’t want another funeral. To shed more tears. Or even to remember funerals and tears. Death shouldn’t pass through her family this much. At least, it wasn’t supposed to.





She saw the tall, handsome mansion gaze at her. It had a superior look all though the vines have encircled the cracked walls. After years spent aiding hardship countries, she was finally home.





With a quick pace, Winter approached the front door. After a moment of deep thought she knocked hastily. She knew her mother would be proud, and tears will run from her cheeks finally seeing her only one left alive.





Surprisingly, a stranger opened the door for her and ushered her into the living room. Everyone was wearing black.





Her mother had eyes closed, lying in a tight black coffin. It was adorned with red roses, carefully set above the glass that separated her from her mother. The big bouquets of flowers were wilted, old and the colour had faded away, revealing that her mother's death was some days before.








She wailed. As tears flowed from her eyes, all of her emotions had drained into a black hole, leaving her confused with what to feel.





Her mother had departed without saying goodbye.
Reply:[changes in caps]


Winter’s sister had departed without saying goodbye.


WINTER SAT AT THE GRAVE, HOLDING A CANDLE.


Iris’s grave was A MONTH old, though a bouquet of roses LYING THERE still brought A FAINT scent. It was too overwhelming; knowing her sister never reached her dreams. Instead, she died in her worst nightmare, murder.





Winter shakily stood up AND blew OUT the candle. It was midnight, AND the full moon was watching over her. She knew her late father was with the stars, the Creator, the saints and the angels, guarding her. Iris was probably watching with them as well. She felt cold and numb, INSIDE AND OUT. Iris meant nothing to her anymore. She was gone.





Winter TRUDGED OUT OF THE CEMETARY. The misty, bitter rain fell down as Winter walked past the local GRAVEyard, a few miles away from Memorial Park, where Iris’s grave LAY still and drenched. It was too late to visit HER dad in the local cemetery. Her mother WAS EXPECTING HER TO ARRIVE TODAY AND would be worried IF SHE WERE LATE.





Years before, she used to pass through thIS cemetery. It gave her nightmares and bad memories. She didn’t want ANY MORE funeralS, ANY MORE tearS, NOT EVEN THE MEMORY OF funerals and tears.





She APPROACHED the tall mansion, HER HOME FOR SO MANY YEARS . It looked superior, though vines HAD encircled ITS cracked walls. After years spent aiding hardship countries, she was finally going home.





Winter WALKED quickly to the door and knocked. She knew her mother would WANT TO SEE HER, HOLD HER, CRY WITH HER.





BUT WHEN THE DOOR OPENED, IT WAS a stranger WHO ushered her INto the living room.





Her mother was there, lying IN a tight black coffin adorned with red roses THAT WERE JUST BEGINNING TO FADE.





Her mother HAD departed without saying goodbye.
Reply:I'd say this is a very good story, especially with the surprise ending. It was very descriptive and metaphorical, as most suspense/horror stories should be. Grammar and sentence structure is also good, and the fact you didn't use dialogue or thoughts made the main character seem even more solitary. There is one tiny mistake you forgot:


It was too late to visit HIS dad in the Local Cemetery. Her mother would be worried.





Change HIS to HER and everything will be fine.
Reply:It was too late to visit HIS dad in the Local Cemetery. Her mother would be worried.





Change HIS to HER and everything will be fine.








also try to replace winter with pronouns in some place