How do I become strong enough to leave abusive Husband?

I feel so uncertain and sad most of the time that I don't know what to do. I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage and I have heard that it is not my fault that it's something within him that causes this. I still feel that if I were sweeter and does what he wants that my marriage would be better. He calls me names, degrades me, doesn't care about my opinions and puts his family ahead of me. He says that I'm nothing to him compared ot his family. He won't even buy me a new winter coat unless I practically have to sweet talk him into it. Then he'll turn around and tell me to give him everything back that he has given to me and that I don't appreciate him. Yesterday he made me give him back the boots and clothes that he has bought me over the past year. Then when his dragon(rage) is napping, he'll be mr niceguy and he throws me for a loop ; emotional rollercoaster. I feel so scared to finally leave. I feel guilty and like a failure. PS, 2 kids 6 %26amp; 4. We're 34- 13yrs 2gether

How do I become strong enough to leave abusive Husband?
DIVORCE THE SOB , and find someone who appreciates you , you deserve that much dont be afraid of your future you will be better off without him , and when you divorce him mke him pay as much child support and alamony as you can GET A GOOD LAWYER , you and your children deserve better than this emotional abuse ,and see if the sob takes that back
Reply:Girl you are a strong woman, because you know this isn't the live for you. There is loads of women groups out there that can help you!


If you every need to talk you can email me (kutie999@hotmail.com).


This is a good web site www.refuge.org.uk


there telephone no. (freephone) 0808 2000 247


I hope it all works out for you.


Charlotte
Reply:You need a support group to build you up. Look for one in your area or go talk to someone at a womans shelter. They will help you.
Reply:u need to leave him.. how do u think ur kids feel..if u think ur doing it for there good,so they can have a dad then ur not making the right choice...i know my mom did the same thing to me and now im 13 and i hate her for it..becuz i remeber everything and how she used to say that itz ok when i knew it was not...and she used to say if i could just do this and that better than maybe he wouldnt do this to me,that doesnt work ...please do the right thing for ur kids im asking plz dont let them grow up like this. i know i dont know u but i really believe that u can do this...and i have hope in u...if u wanna tlk more my email is iluvbobice24@yahoo.com
Reply:Wow. Walk !!! Take those kids with you. What is important to know is that you tell noone that you are leaving and call the local womens shelter for transport if you so need. If you let him know you are leaving he will hurt you and possibly those kids physically. And I agree physically you can get over. Is not always the case. You are the mother of those kids and charged with that responsibility! Know that you arent the only one in danger. Just do it! Qiuetly. You will be ok and meet other women like you in situations far worse. Picture this. Can you see yourself a woman in prison down the line because you decided to wait and have to defend yourself in a situation as such. You would lose your life and your kids would lose their mom. Sad to say it does happen often. Now go.Good luck!
Reply:I have been married for 20 years and have never had that kind of abuse.


Please, please, please for the safety of your kids, you need to find a way to leave. Is he abusing the kids? It will probably end up that way.


Absolutely DO NOT TELL HIM YOU WANT TO LEAVE. That will only make it rougher on you.


Do you know of any shelters, or a pastor of a church or a good friend that could help?


He wants to control you and not want you to have a life at all without him. He's making you feel like you can't make it by yourself.


You are a grown woman and yes it will be hard to leave but there is help out there.
Reply:you can all aways have a haven center help with that. thay are a place for you to stay untl you can get on you'r feet. thay are all so willing to help you get a placeand new job if you wont to ...thay onely ask that you dont tell you'r husbend wair you are.
Reply:My suggestion would be to tell yourself is it better to be healthy alone or sick with someone else? This is what Dr. Phil says on his show to use in evaluating relationships.





Remember that the most important support person in life is you. Self-reliance and trusting your inner voice is very important and critical. You can take care of yourself and do not deserve to be abused in any way.
Reply:Please there is nothing wrong with you. Its nice to have a friend to support you, and leaving him would be the best decision. He needs to realize his own actions, but he won't realize it unless something happens. I know some people might advise getting counseling for the husband, but thats kind of hard when a husband can be so controllive and powerful in a household who can't admit his own wrongs.





You probably feel too comfortable there at the same time this problem... hope that made sense. You need to establish independence. An income, a place, and for the kids establish a monthly child support from the father.





You can do it, it seems hard, but it will pay.
Reply:locate your nearest battered womens shelter, take your kids and GO! he will only get worse, and you do not have to live life like this. women leave abusive husbands everyday, and they live wonderful lives afterwards. God will give you the strength you need to walk right out that door, and if you're not a christian, then look at your children. because even if they don't see what is happening, they know, and they blame themselves. they will continue the cycle, by either being an abuser, or being the abused. don't do this to your children. just GO.
Reply:You need to reach out to a loved one for help. If you're afraid of leaving him, tell him in the presence of someone supportive (a brother? mother? friend?).





But you need to do it. Don't look back in 20 years and realize that you stayed with him out of fear. There is someone out there who will respect you %26amp; be good for you. Good luck.
Reply:your a failure for staying, juyst pack up and go. no matter where you go, it will be better than where your at now
Reply:I went through the same thing but without the kids.It was very hard but you really need to think of the effects it will have on your kids including their future relationships with you and future mates. If your kids see that you let their father treat you that way, then they MAY feel they can treat you badly also in the future. Also, their future relationships may suffer by treating others badly. If you don't have the strength to do it for you, do it for your kids!
Reply:www.helpguide.org





You are teaching your children that abuse is normal. They will have abusive relationships when they are older. Think about them if you can't do it for yourself.
Reply:At 34, you are going to have to muster up the courage to stand up for yourself, and the kids. Yes, AND the kids! If they see their Mother being treated like this, they are going to think this is acceptable. Do you REALLY want your daughter to be treated like this in her marriage someday, or your son to treat his wife like you're treated.....and think they're doing RIGHT? I don't think so. You HAVE to get out of this, not only for you, but for them as well. Good Luck!
Reply:Why are you dependent on him to buy you things? Don't you have a job? Please lady!! Jeeezz Get a job and stop being dependent on your husband.
Reply:So sorry..


You are correct about not enduring this abuse any longer.


Have you told him that you have had enough of his abuse


and that you are going to divorce him if does not get help and


stop it ?.....That is not a requirement if you can't do it....


Just file for divorce, take the house etc. and get child support


and alimony if possible based on spousal abuse..


I know it is a tough time buy you need to start thinking about finding a good mature man who will care for you %26amp; family...


With all due respect....Are you still an attractive woman ??


You may need to start getting yourself back into shape prior


to starting your search for a new man to marry...


Don't wait too long to do this....The older you get, the more


difficult it will be to get a prime marriage candidate...


"Prime" means a mature stable caring man with good assets , job, future, house, credit , cars, money, insurance, etc. etc.
Reply:First of all, your planning to abandon ship just because the food is lousy. Instead of sinking the ship yourself, how about getting to the root of the problem?





Is he stressed out about the finances or how much you spend? Have you two been slowly drifting apart due to work schedules and kids?





I'm sorry to be tough on you, but being verbally and emotionally abusive almost sounds like a joke to me. It makes me think of: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.





Your marriage isn't disposable or a fad, fight for it!
Reply:just think of the kids. they cant be subjected to this. they may end up emotionally scarred or worse. they may end up like him.
Reply:Every time he is sweet past abuse he/you are bonding. that bond gets harder to break each time ugly/nice happens. Seek a shelter and get out so you can recover. Often women stay so long recovery from the abuse takes a very long time. One thing about abused women, after they leave they find almost anything easy/possible when compared to coping with the abuse. They tend to be very resourceful.
Reply:Either you go for help (counseling) because this will not improve. He has a problem. Leaving is up to you. When you're to the point you can't take it anymore, you will go. This doesn't get better, tho, unless he wants it to.
Reply:there is nothing wrong with you!!! IM A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR....so im very passionate about this!!! if his family is so great.. tell him to go live with them!!! and leave u and ur childern alone!!! i left my husband when my lil boy was 3 months old.. YES ITS HARD... and now 14 months later.... after i thought my life was over.. because basically he was my life.... my life is pretty much perfect.... if your parents live close talk to them about you and the kids comming and staying with them for a while.... me.. im living with my parents untill i get out of college.. they help with my depressions that still hit me... and they help with my son... GET OUT!!! dont try to be the "better" person.. cuz it will not get married.... and yes the thing your husband has is a psychological disorder....the periods that he is nice.. are termed "hooney moon periods" the cycle of him being mean to being nice is termed "the cycle of abuse" this will continue...





the only person that can get u out is your self.. and you owe it to your kids to get you and them out....





GOOD LUCK!! %26amp; remember you are not alone!!!
Reply:you need to leave him before it gets any worse. To be in any abusive relationship is not good. You deserve much better than that not someone that makes you feel like you don't amount to anything but by being there when he needs you. Its a really hard situation as you don't want to let go but sometimes letting go is for the better. He may never change and that's not fair to you at all you need someone who will respect you and your feelings.
Reply:GET OUT of there why are you feeling guilty? He is the one with the mental issues and he really does not care about you. You are there for his pleasure to torture and treat badly/ So here is the thought of the day for you do you really want your kids to grow up in this situation? Do you want your kids to grow up and think this type of behavior is right? Do you want your kids to treat other people like their father does? This really is not all about you any more it is about the kids and what they are going through and what they are seeing. You need to just get up and go as far away as possible from the situation, really get out then get you and the kids some help so that they can understand that this behavior is NOT okay. This man wants to be miserable let him be miserable on his own.